Welcome back to the blogggg! This topic is one that has been extremely relevant in my life currently, so let's jump right in!

Recently, it's come up a lot that we as humans have such a desire to understand. Our minds hate it when something feels unfair, or something doesn't make sense to us. We don't like holes in a story. We always expect there to be a "because". This happened because... I did this because... but sometimes there isn't a because and our mind tries to fill in the blank. When something bad happens, there isn't always someone or something to blame, and that drives us crazy.

Im going to tell a short story! growing up my dad was in and out of my life. I got used to that. He permanently left about four years ago, he left my household then anyway. It wasn't until two months ago that he decided he was no longer apart of my life at all. every time he left I asked God why. "Why did he leave? Was it me? Was there anything I could've done better? Why did he choose to treat me this way my whole life?" I always wanted an answer. But I never got one. Those questions rang in my head day after day, minute after minute. When I didn't get an answer from God I filled in the blanks myself. "Im unlovable. I don't deserve a loving father. Im not worthy." But Jesus said the exact opposite. Now there is an answer to everything, but we don't always need to know all of them. God knows everything. Every answer! If we know that in our hearts and trust that, then we will finally understand that we don't need to know every answer. When God keeps something from us, that isn't him being unfaithful or unreliable; it's him being a protective father who knows what we can and cannot handle. Once I realized that, I was so grateful that I didn't know all the answers. I have been using this as my mantra recently: "we were not called to knowledge but obedience". When we choose to follow the Lord we give up the need to know. We set aside our pride and we let the Lord humble us.

I don't even fully know why God is sending me on gap year, but I am so excited (and a little terrified) to find out. If I had every answer to my whole future, then I would surely mess it up. I used to be an anxious mess waiting on what God wanted me to do with my life, but now I don't even want to know. It's so exciting to live my life on a constant cliff hangar, just waiting to see what happens next. To have obedience is to give all our desires to the Lord and trust him with them. The Lord knows the desires of our heart. Isn't that beautiful!! He knows who we are more than we do! I stand in absolute awe and wonder of him every single day.

I read a book recently called "Jesus is Enough" By Eric Gilmour. This book was so good that I read it in one sitting. One of my favorite quotes from it is: "Abandon your need to understand. Let His presence be more to you than answers and explanations." Wow. Come on. When we think we need to understand, we put our trust in ourselves and we aren't letting His presence be enough. We put ourselves on an even throne with God. We become our own Idol. But we must humble ourselves. We must be obedient and minister to the Lord. Not ministering in a way that is like preaching, but just being a disciple. "There is no higher ministry than to minister to the Lord. It's the secret to happiness and a fulfilled life. This high place is reached by going low." That is another quote from the same book. The Lord is gentle and lowly and we will find him seated with sinners and tax collectors in the lowliest of places before we see him seated with someone who knows all things; because only he knows all things. It's hard to give up at first, because we love to be in control. But we never truly were. To give up control is to give up the illusion of a reality we never had. God has always been in control and we can never change that.

I love you all and I hope you sit with this. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7.